COVID-19

Hey there. I’m back. What did I miss? A global pandemic? Oh, right. I’m experiencing that too.  I can’t stop eating. I can’t stop scrolling. I can’t stop being sad. I don’t know why quarantining is hitting me so hard. I’m use to being alone but only on my terms. The biggest lesson I learned from my wounded childhood is that it’s always better to be self-contained. Stick to yourself. Don’t invite anyone in. That’s how someone will hurt you. But this type of isolation? This is paralyzing. 

I’ve got all this “free” time, but I don’t want to do anything. It doesn’t feel “free” at all. My freedom is gone. I can’t see people. I can’t go to the beach even though I rarely went to the beach. I can’t annoyingly sample all the ice cream flavors at the ice cream store. There are so many things that I can’t do. So…what am I suppose to do?

I’m going to stay home and do my part to stop spreading this virus. It’s the least I can do. But now what? It’s hard for me to be productive when the world as we know it…is gone. My mind can’t grasp the reality of the situation we’re in right now. There are so many deaths. Not only are thousands of people dying, but our old way of daily life is dying too. Will this be the end to shaking hands? Will we now bow to each other like we’re all monks living in a monastery? Will kids not be able to blow their birthday candles out in fear of getting others sick? Are we all going to be rude and afraid of each other when we go out in public? Get out of my way, sir…or I’ll cough on you!  

HOW THE HELL IS EVERYTHING GOING TO UNFOLD?!?!?!?!

There is the global uncertainty, and then there is my ongoing personal uncertainty. Nothing like a pandemic to bring awareness to my own mortality.

Wait…what am I doing with my life again? Will I ever get married and start a family? When will I achieve this ever elusive idea of success?

Yeah, I’m struggling. Even before Covid-19, I was having a difficult time creatively. I took a break from writing because the anticipation of failure was overwhelming. I wanted to let go of this self-proclaimed redemption I put on my career and just be. I wanted to escape. But escaping from life is still life. And I am always stuck with me. 

Especially now. 

There’s a beauty and melancholy to all of this. Might as well embrace it.

And maybe once we’re done with all of this, we’ll be bigger, not just on the outside, but on the inside too.