I am not like you

I haven’t pruned in awhile. I was in New York with my family visiting my cousin before he graduates from college. Feeling proud of him and sorry for my dumb-ass. Why didn’t I graduate from college? I went to DePaul University Theatre School in Chicago and didn’t get invited back after my second year due to its arbitrary cut system. It’s not like I did anything wrong, other than apparently sucking at acting. Or was there another reason? Thinking about it, I was definitely not the worst actor in my class. Some of those students partied a ton and didn’t know how to act, yet still got invited back. So what was it? I never got any answers from them, but deep down I always thought my school didn’t want me because of who I was deep down…a misfit/loner/weirdo. 

I didn’t want to transfer to another school and be a regular college student. I could endure theatre school, but not normal college. I was not normal. I am still not normal. I don’t do well in group situations. I’m too insecure. Too sensitive. Perhaps even too horny. Being detached from my fucked up family automatically made me detached from everything else in my life. When I got cut from my school, I was angry. Of course. But honestly, the pain was due to my envy…of them. 

It’s like I carry this secret: I am not like you. It has prevented me from a lot of things in life besides graduating from college. But the older I get, the more I realize…I don’t need to be like you. 

There’s no way I could even try. So why bother.

Case in point: