Middle Finger Up

I’ve been wanting to cut my hair short now for years. However, I feared I wasn’t able to make such a drastic change due to my mediocre acting career. Sure, famous people dye and cut their hair all the time, but could I?  What will my agents think? Do I need to ask them for permission? I don’t want to confuse the casting directors. They get flustered so easily. Actors are a dime a dozen. Don’t make it difficult. Also, I didn’t feel skinny enough, pretty enough or young enough to pull it off.  Even a couple of days before my hair appointment, a male acquaintance said, “No, don’t! Women aren’t attractive with short hair.” Thanks for your unrequested input, asshole. I did it, anyway. 

At first I was in shock. What have I done????? As if I was sentenced to a life of dog hair and Miller Lites. It was time to give up on my 14 year attempt at an impossible career choice, resign to never finding love, and move to Montana. Fine. Whatever. 

But after seeing friends and family and observing their reactions, I decided to give my hair a second chance. Maybe it wasn’t that bad. Maybe I just get scared shitless when it comes to change. Maybe whenever there’s an unknown and uncomfortable feeling, my mind tells me to disappear forever and drink lame beer, Miller Lite, which has nothing to do with the quality of my hair.

Now, I love my hair. I love how it looks and what it represents. I don’t need to or want to conform to that dickwad’s “women aren’t attractive with short hair” beauty standard. I’m not here to exist for his visual pleasure or other people for that matter. I’m here to exist for me. Life is about exploring and taking chances and doing things that scare me…like my blog, my acting career, annnnnd risk getting my heart broken.(Working on the last one). 

People are mean. They say dumb things. Logically I know other people’s opinions shouldn’t matter, but it does. That childhood chant, “Sticks and stones can break my bones but words can never harm me” is so far from the truth. Nope, words are more damaging than sticks and stones. They have an everlasting effect and can be quite traumatizing and possibly ruin your life. (Read a letter to my childhood bullies). 

But with this haircut, I care less what people think. I cut my hair, and I feel stronger for it. I don’t need anyone’s approval to be me. Fuck that. Who knew a haircut could lead to an inward transformation?

p.s.

Actually, I think I did know. That’s why I’ve been longing to do this for so long.