What's for Dinner?

I want to have a regular life. I want to have regular parents. A regular job. A regular body. But I’ll keep my ass, thank you. 

I want to be social. Not shy. Not insecure when eating on a first date. Contemplating on whether I should take one bite or two for a sashimi. Always regretting whatever decision I make. Splashing soy sauce on my shirt. Oh well. 

I want to be confident in saying no. No to men who I do not want to be with. A simple no instead of a maybe or even a fraudulent yes. I’ve had a lifetime of men validating who I am. Some old, some young. Some good looking, some really, really ugly like super fucking, ugly and fat. In the past, I needed it. But now I know I do not. It’s a hard to break this habit. Like quitting heroin or watching The Bachelorette. 

I want to be hairy in all the right places. No ingrown hairs or razor bumps. The feel of a baby’s bottom for my bikini line. I do not want my thighs to touch. I want to be a size 2 or 0 or even a negative 7. Anything that means I’m thin and beautiful and desired and hireable.

I want to be loved by you, and by you I mean everyone. Even if I don’t like you and can’t stand to be around your presence. You either vape or chew gum annoyingly. Both activities should be done in private FYI. Even you, will you love me? Just keep your distance. I’m trying to have a good day. 

I want to have had a storybook childhood. In some ways, I did. Playing kick ball in the street, riding bikes along the rail road tracks. Slumber partiers and best friends. Eating Kit-Kat bars and microwavable egg rolls from Costco. In most ways, it was a nightmare. Murdered mother and sexual abuse. Getting bullied from little dickwads who in their adult lives have become overweight and bald. But still, they are rich since they come from money and will always have money. I simply hope they that got herpes along the way. A burning crotch would heal some of my old wounds. So fingers crossed or say a prayer please. 

Some of these things can’t happen, but some can. Some are meaningless and some are empowering. It’s hard to see which one is which with all my needs and wants. But today I get to see what really makes me hungry, and then fix myself that meal.